My client’s sister just invited him to come for a visit.
Although it’s a nice offer, he doesn’t want to go, for a dozen good reasons.
But he dreads the blow-back he’s going to get when he tells her no.
His sister has always been the squeaky wheel in the family – the one whose demands everyone learned to accommodate so they could have some peace.
My client thought his sister might mature out of it, or that he himself might grow into someone who was less cowed by her tantrums.
Alas, no.
Old patterns, particularly those learned in childhood, die hard. But they can die.
It is possible to replace them with new patterns that serve everyone better. It just takes a plan and the confidence and commitment to see it through.
The Confidence
Confidence comes from a clear understanding of what’s going on.
As long as his sister is mentally healthy, what’s going on when she flips out is that an intense, high-energy person is having feelings.
Her temperament (intense, high energy) is as unchangeable as her eye color, so accept it as a fact.
Feelings are also a fact – I mean, they come with being human. Even so, they can freak us out when they’re big or negative. So, we try to avoid provoking them by accommodating (giving in) or lying (“I wish I could, but…”).
We all deserve better than that.
The way to deal with feelings is to allow them. They don’t need to be solved – quieted or argued away. If they are allowed, even welcomed, they will bloom and fade away.
The Commitment
Your commitment is to be clear in yourself about what you want and then tell the truth.
When his sister extended the invitation, my client’s immediate internal response was no. When you have a gut response like that, experiment with trusting it. Don’t – to avoid a scene – try to talk yourself into a yes. Chances are high that you will resent it, and your resentment will leak out in other ways, and you’ll both be unhappy.
If you’re not clear about your answer right away, that’s okay. Gather the information and take the time you need to think it through.
When I’m not sure what I want to do, I ask myself –
- What’s the best that could happen?
- What’s the worst?
- What’s most likely?
Average those answers and trust what you come up with, even if it’s not the answer the other person wants to hear.
The Plan (Four Steps)
Before I share the plan for telling the truth, here’s an image to get you into the spirit. Imagine you’re entering a strong wind, like a hurricane: it’s not personal, and don’t try to catch it; let it blow on past.
Now the plan for weathering the storm! The first time you do it will be the hardest, but it will reset the pattern and immediately raise the bar for how you communicate.
- Acknowledge the good intentions of the offer (if that’s true).
- Be brief and clear in your reasoning. Brevity and clarity are kind and offer less to argue with.
- Acknowledge, even welcome, their feelings, but don’t take the bait.
First, welcoming feelings. Similar to the image of the hurricane, an attitude of welcoming prepares you for intensity! Welcoming feelings might sound like this:
- Of course, you’re upset!
- You really wanted me to say yes!
- I know it’s disappointing!
- … And the answer is no.
Note: Use “and” instead of “but.“ Why? “But” negates everything that came before and puts all the emphasis on the disappointing part of the sentence. Compare:
- You’re upset. You really wanted to do this with me. And the answer is no.
- You’re upset. You really wanted to do this with me, but the answer is no.
Do you feel the difference?
Second, don’t take the bait means welcome the feelings without engaging in the content of her arguments.
Normally, I encourage people to listen to criticism, as there may be some truth to it. But in this circumstance, the arguments are not the point. The feelings are. She is having uncomfortable feelings, and she wants you to make them go away by changing your mind. Though that provides a temporary relief from the onslaught, it leaves you holding the bad feelings.
- Stay with her. Even though you’d probably love to run away as soon as you tell her no and avoid the ensuing storm, don’t. Stay with her. By doing that, you normalize disagreements between people who love each other. You show her they are not dangerous or threatening. You show her that it’s safe for her to have feelings with you – even strong, uncomfortable ones.
It isn’t easy, but it is simple. This plan, if implemented with confidence (she won’t break!) and commitment (she may turn up the volume at first, but don’t lose heart!), will work, and you’ll all be better off.
