It can be painful not to have what you want or to experience what you don’t want.
But are these failures of manifesting really failures?
What if, deep down, you like and want all of it – not just the “good” stuff – because what you want and like more than anything is being alive?
That’s Carolyn Elliott’s premise in her book Existential Kink: that we are spiritual beings who chose to incarnate to experience a world of duality – of light and dark, warm and cold, pleasant and unpleasant. The “kink” is that sensation itself is the prize.
Elliott, who has a PhD in Cultural Studies and brilliantly combines psychological theory, myth, and mysticism, turned out to be a wonderful companion to James Doty, the neuroscientist who wrote one of my other manifesting touchstones, Mind Magic.
If you accept the premise and like and want all of it, then you don’t have to devote energy and attention – precious neurobiological resources – to defending against “bad” stuff. Instead, you surrender to what is, enjoy the sensations, and move on.
It’s not just moving on, though. It’s the power move.
The Power of Surrender
I know this not from a book, but from giving birth.
Although I had been taught and believed that childbirth was extremely risky and painful, I was intensely curious about it! I wanted to feel it, not have it be an anesthetized medical procedure. So, I prepared with HypnoBirthing, a program that teaches you not to be afraid of birth and how to meet it with deep breathing and profound relaxation, so that it can be easier and more comfortable.
Although I loved the idea and faithfully did my relaxation practice, I didn’t dare expect it actually to work. I could not imagine getting to experience an exception to the rules of extreme risk and pain.
So, when my labor started with my first child, I did what everyone does: I resisted it. As soon as I felt a contraction coming, I braced against it and held my breath.
It knocked me sideways! I panicked. I thought, “I cannot do that!”
A little voice inside me replied, “No, sweetheart. Not that way.”
And then I remembered about HypnoBirthing! I prepared for the next contraction by making a nest for myself on the sofa, calling my husband to sit beside me, and playing my special music. When I felt it come, I took a risk and did what I had learned: I went limp and breathed slowly and deeply. I surrendered so completely that I gave the contraction my breath: “Here. Take it. It’s yours.”
It didn’t hurt anymore. It was powerful! It took all my concentration to stay calm and work with the labor, but I did it.
And I never felt more alive. I discovered a power that I never knew I had.
Surrendering to what is – in this case, to the unpleasant sensation – wasn’t passive. It put me in the position of power. By not resisting, I did not allow fear to hijack my nervous system. I stayed able to direct all my resources to the outcome I wanted.
I manifested a great birth.
“Do You Love It Yet?”
I also know this from doing The Work of Byron Katie.
The Work is a kind of structured mindfulness meditation. I do The Work when I am “at war with reality” – suffering over something in my life – and want to find clarity and peace. But it delivers so much more.
When I do The Work, I feel vibrantly alive – part of the seamless warp and weft of a beautiful universe.
And then, with no further effort, I often receive what I wanted all along: the painful situation resolves favorably, or the person I was at odds with becomes spontaneously loving. By surrendering my will and loving what is, I manifest a change in the material world.
Someone once asked Katie, “How do I know what to do The Work on?” She replied, “Do you love it yet?”
Love – total surrender – is the power move.
Return Power to Yourself
Whatever you fight, you give your power to. Neurobiologically, fighting activates the Sympathetic Nervous System, which narrows your focus and invests all your resources to survival.
What are you fighting in your life? If it’s the lack of something you want, get curious about what’s present. If it’s the presence of something you don’t want, are you sure it’s entirely unpleasant? Get still and curious. What can you, what do you, actually enjoy about what is?
Neurobiologically, love activates the Parasympathetic Nervous System, which opens your focus and enables you to direct your attention and to connect with others. So, when you surrender and love, you return power to yourself.
